Join Me On The Quest For Becoming Brave
I’m more what you would call a night owl.
But when you marry an early to bed, early rise kinda man, and after having children, you realize the importance of starting your day with some space. I’ve nowhere near conquered this, just ask my darling husband... I love my sleep and If I’m not “ready” yet and Journey is still sleeping. I'll usually keep sleeping.
This has been a tension in our marriage for quite some time.
Since I prefer the evening hours. I like to do my "most important" work in the evening. I get inspired and things start to really flow from my mind and heart. I also get really chatty and like to have deep conversations at 11 pm at night when Derek has already slipped into his evening ritual of unwinding before bed. I can almost guarantee most of our heated discussions (aka fights) happen late at night when I have more to say about something then he does. He gives lots of, mmmm, yeaaaaa, sounds good kinda words, and that sometimes drives me crazy (working on that). So, I usually compensate for his lack of words...and say more than I should at times.
After almost 8 years of marriage, I really do think I finally have more understanding for my man and his needs and how he was created. Now, does that mean it’s transformed into my heart and action? MMMmmm, I’m still working on that. But I’m more aware of his needs and my own. Like never before.
In January of this year, I celebrated my 29th Birthday. It's been a really reflective time for me as I gear up for my last year in my 20's. And when people were giving me praise for my birthday I started feeling this rush of insight into WHO I AM and how people see me. I couldn't help be think about the women they were describing and felt like I'm a totally new woman after undergoing some crazy life this past year.
These were the two things that stuck out to me when reflecting back on my healing journey this year and what has had the biggest points of transformation for me.
#1 Choose joy but first, sit in your grief & BE OK WITH YOUR PAIN.
After the loss of our daughter, Haven broke us of our who we thought we were, or what we wanted our life to look like. The "house" we built our dreams and hopes was all destroyed in a moment. It totally shifted our perspective and outlook on life.
We basically had to find and rediscover ourselves again. And that journey is far from over but is just beginning. At times we both, have been paralyzed by our grief. Our loss opened up the heavens to true transformation in our lives if we let it. Now, I’m not feeling transformed all the time but I have moments where I feel more alive then I have ever before and that’s because I've allowed myself to grieve and feel things deeply. We’ve chosen in the midst of our pain, to see good. To choose to worship God in the midst of our suffering. I’ve had to choose self-less love to my husband who was grieving so incredibly different than me. I’ve had to choose to see the silver-living. To ask myself hard questions. And to align my heart with God’s and see him as a compassionate savior who would never have chosen for this to be our path.
This had to be my reality, I had to hold onto hope. I’ve been shaped my whole life to “see the positive” in everything. That’s also based on some of my personality so it may seem to have come easier to me. But the BEST thing I’ve done in this journey in my grief has been to feel all of it. To SIT in the grief and feel all the feelings. Especially the ugly, the hard and the pain. I’ve chosen to sit in my grief with my hands open, not trying to shove it down or to “move on” as they say. But to fully embrace where I was in each moment. And it changes, from moment to moment. And I’m still sitting in those moments today and I will continue to for a lifetime. It’s when you face it and feel it that you overcome it.
#2 Self-care or as I like to call it, soul care.
Self-care has been a tremendous effect on my ability to heal this year. As most of you know, or maybe don’t, I’ve been struggling with my health for the past 2 years. It’s been blood work, elimination diets and tests leading to guesses with no answers. Talk about frustrating. So when grieving the loss of a child and dealing with a lot of external stresses like loss of job security, health issues, relocating to a new city and community I’ve undergone what I’d like to call the perfect storm for a life-reality-wake-up-call-type-process. I do not recommend having all these things happen to you at once, it's not a burden I’d want anyone else to bare. But in this process, it’s changed me. I’m for sure a new person then I was a year ago. And again, this didn’t happen overnight and it was suffering and pain that lead me to this place of desperation to find wholeness.
I wish the self-care I’m talking about was a manicure, pedicure, massage, spa trip kinda self-care. But I’m not. (although, those things are nice to add too) But, I am talking more about soul-care. About going to weekly therapy appointments, reading books, journaling, time alone and creating space, (for this extrovert this can be extremely difficult) thinking deep down “What DOES Tessa need right now?". And within reason and boundaries following that nudge in my spirit that is helping me know what I need.
Healing comes when we press into the process and turn your ashes into beauty.
You may find things you don’t like, actually, you’re going to find things you don’t like about yourself in this process. And honestly, that’s the point.
This journey we’re on is constantly changing. We’re constantly changing, and each day that goes by a piece of us grows. It may grow into the deeper meaning of life and joy in the midst of our pain or it may grow into bitterness and self-loathing.
For the sake of my family and my legacy I have to choose life and transformation. I urge you to take a look at your life, if you have any un-forgiveness or brokenness that you’ve left un-done without any intention to repair the broken pieces. I encourage you to seek out help. It’s not and I repeat NOT a sign of weakness to ask for help. It’s the opposite.