A Year for Renewal
In January, in my time dreaming of 2017 I felt my word of the year was renewal.
the replacing or repair of something that
is worn out, run-down, or broken
I've recently found myself unraveling. Coming to the end of myself thinking I have to make a change. There have been many things leading up to this so called "breakdown" I'm talking about — this defined point in time that has caused a chain reaction in me towards self-care and for renewal.
My body, mind and soul have been broken.
So broken that depression was starting to really take root in my life.
The cocktail of life leading up to this "breakdown" looked something like this...
- starting an elimination diet after getting results back about food sensitivities
- a minor skin flair up leading me to start a 7 day prednisone taper to get it under control
- getting news about work that caused a lot of stress for Derek and I
- hearing about an amazing job opportunity but yet brought on stress about uprooting AGAIN
- hitting the 6th month anniversary of losing our daughter, Haven
- a major skin flair up leading me to urgent care to get on yet another round of a prednisone for 3 weeks to help calm my immune system
All these things lead up to my emotional breakdown where I knew I needed to stop dead in my tracks and re-evaluate EVERYTHING. To take care of myself since my body was in such distress and obviously struggling to keep it together on all levels.
SO, I was suppose to go on this trip with Derek but felt so much anxiety that I knew going wouldn't be wise and I had to start listening to my intuition and start doing what I think I NEEDED. There's some back story here to discovering more about my personality from the Enneagram and it revealing some things about my personality that I deeply struggle with, and that's helping other people with their needs over my own. I sacrifice myself for the sake of others. Well it sounds nice and super holy but it's not always with great motivations and intentions. So, with learning some of that and being awakened to my needs and obvious lack of self-care, I decided to stay home from this trip and take care of myself.
My mom took Journey and I had F I V E days to myself.
Yes, you read that correctly — five whole days by myself. Well, I did make sure I saw people, since i'm totally an extrovert, but I spent most of my time in solitude and reflection time. It was actually a very painful time at first. I let myself really feel and try and process the last 6 months since I had kept so busy to keep from feeling some of my pain deeply. I had to admit that I'm battling postpartum depression and dealing with trauma and learning to navigate grief.
The last few days of my time alone were so fruitful. I spent time in prayer and in conversations with some of my dearest friends who helped me out of my pit. When Sunday came, I was nervous I woulnd't feel ready to enter "life" again, that I might need more time away. I was thankful when I desired to hug and squeeze my cute little spunky girl who is talking like crazy and always doing something.
I've found renewal in the silence. In the stillness. That is where my soul deepens. And I crave that time and space now that I've gotten a taste.
In my time alone I felt like I needed to start finally going to therapy. So I found a reputable counselor and have now seen her twice and I gotta tell ya, it feels so good to talk to someone who truly cares and asks really good questions.
I've also been eating better, taking my supplements and starting acupuncture. My next thing I want to implement is practicing yoga every day. So, we'll see how long it takes me to start doing that. My body craves movement and stretching, sooo if you can keep me accountable, ask me how that's going.... ;-)
I share all this with you because, well, I can't help but want to share. I feel it's just a part of my process and how I'm going to navigate this difficult season. For me, I feel like posting on social media is not a reflection of my true self right now. "Happy-curated-photos" only showcasing beautiful images with a brief caption that's "a glimpse of what's really going on" just doesn't feel like it's doing justice to how my life really is right now. So until I know what to really do with my accounts (I have three of them, a bit much??? Yea probably) I'll be sharing and posting more on this platform. It's a space where I feel more freedom to share my true self with you.
Thanks for reading and praying for us.